Jesus Invites Me To Plant, Build, and Go Fourth

I struggle with uncertainty

Like a 100-pound soaking wet comforter around my limbs as I try to move 

Massive and evoking frustration with every step

I want to turn back 

But the place where I started 

has morphed into a culdesac 

that circles me right back to moving toward myself and Jesus 

No place to go but here

Jesus shows me how to welcome this reluctant part of myself 

to join in the planting, building, resting, and this love. 

I don't want to!

Inside I am turning away, scared, and doubtful 

It's not like I have a good idea about what I want 

I just want it to be MY IDEA ~ but it's not

Jesus smiles at my defiance

and then   

kindly invites me to plant anyway, 

I use my body, breath, and all of my resources 

to build structures that Jesus reveals to me 

I build while my bones are trembling, 

Jesus says 

Trembling is so tender 

Let's bring that part of you home too 

He invites me to breath softly

Hold my bones kindly while I work

And say to myself

This is how I tremble when I am scared of what I can not yet see 

With those words 

I feel held

My trembling becomes gentleness

Practices of love and trust in movement  

Tenderly placing seeds into the vacant and hopeless soil 

I am so afraid to try

And yet I find myself gracefully tucking one more seed into the soil

I watch my hands move 

A kindness unfamiliar to me

They can never grow here my inner hard, and fast voice says

I am practiced at mentally blocking out this light 

Jesus says Oh good, let's bring your uncertain self too

No part of you gets left behind sweetheart

It's a long game; we are just waiting for all of you to show up

In the meantime, we will plant, and build, and go forth

It takes seasons to condition new life into a place once abandoned

Sadly, without realizing, I was the one who left

I am trying to follow Jesus 

I work out of crystal clear visions 

that are pieces of a puzzle I can not fully see 

I also work out of fear 

Not fear of Jesus

but a deep fear that this quality of 





intimate love 

will be crushed before the world ever sees it 

More to the point that I will be crushed 

And yet these seeds are growing slowly within me 

I'm growing 

This radical and divine love 

Taking root into the cracked and abandoned soils

of my mind and belly 

Taproots infiltrating my heart 

Jesus says all this planting 

awakens the abandoned places within you 

Asking me to hope in something not here yet

My alive doubt






and anger 

Waking up  

Rearing their heads with furry

in the face of this hope

Each gets to choose independently 

to trust this love

And come home to Christ 


at first sight 

run screaming out into the busy street

Running right towards the danger 

that has kept me homeless 

Jesus remains quiet and still

without looking up from our planting says  

Don't chase

Just say their names Adrienne  

So I try 

That is my anger pumping her fist

She belongs to me 

Jesus says 

now wait 

Did she hear you? 

Say it again. 

So I try again

That is my anger pumping her fist

She belongs to me

This truth finds the heart of her ears 

she turns 

No one has ever seen me so tenderly before

She's drawn home

She quietly joins us

watching Jesus lead in our planting


and going forth in faith 

I am at peace and more whole 

In the light of my harmony 

The next rough edge of my humanity rises like angry and impatient grass wondering why the sun is hiding behind yet another cloud 

I'm hungry comes a scream from deep within

Jesus says, aww bring your hunger here


Multiple times a day I find myself standing at the fork between my humanity and my divinity

a tear in how it was meant to be

I am the only who can choose to re-intertwine myself 

And the power to DO the intertwining is not my own


Jesus places a hand on my head, and whispers, Rest in

all of you was made perfect 


made to know love 


So I plant another seed

Cut another board 

Put all my chips in 

And wait for that cold fear to arise in my belly, bracing 

Every action like a divine trap 

it's these hidden parts of me I am waiting for 

I kick and snarl in disbelief of this light and love 

Jesus says, yes all of you my dear 

Take your time 

As I learn to embrace myself 

I know better how to embrace my world 

And Jesus says 


We have built a radical structure of love 

That has taken root 

All of you Adrienne 

Let's bring all of you home